Considering the amount of unwanted destruction they routinely dole out, it was only a matter of time before The Avengers had the kind of introspective shit-fight we’ve been promised with Captain America: Civil War. But while I’m excited to see these charming monster people work out their differences, this is actually but one rung on the askew ladder delivering these characters on an ascent into total lunacy.
See, The Avengers are fun to watch … specifically because we’ve been spared all the logistical and psychological fallout that absolutely must be plaguing this universe. Like a deleted scenes featurette from the underworld, consider that the following calamitous events had to happen for our favorite heroes to exist …
#6. Everyone Has Seen Bruce Banner’s Dick. A LOT
Cards on the table — we all know The Hulk probably has a giant, weird-looking dick. Marvel knows this and knows we know this, which is why we’ve all agreed to give him big, stretchy pants, lest we see that ungodly hose slapping about like a beluga mangling an otter. It would be enough to trigger an existential crisis in every male moviegoer.
“Dear lord, the veins are bigger than mine.”
So, yeah, despite it being a figurative and literal stretch, they gave the man pants. But, as a result, the transformation from slacks to stitch-busting short-shorts leaves human-Bruce inevitably naked when the dust clears.
None of this is new information, but it’s rather easy to forget when the majority of Hulk battles abruptly cut away after victory is declared. Even when they are fighting in, say, a snowy forest …
If it wasn’t for shrinkage, she wouldn’t even be able to get that near.
Or the middle of New York …
Not that angry shirtless dudes yelling in the street are anything new there.
Or on the streets of an African city …
“EVACUATE THE CITY. HE’S STILL SPORTING A GREENIS.”
No matter where they are, Banner’s sweaty dick is the celebratory fireworks after the parade of violence. Every battle will end with a shivering naked man waiting for somebody to grab a robe from the quinjet — and that’s assuming they have spare clothes at the ready. Keep in mind that for most of these occasions, Hulking-out was not originally on the menu … meaning that no one would have thought to bring an extra set of trousers. In other words, the Hulkbuster fight probably ended with Tony Stark awkwardly carrying a balls-out Banner to the nearest JCPenney while onlookers snapped heroic dick pics for the fast-growing /r/HulkPecker subreddit.
But at least his problem is physical …
#5. Tony Stark Is Quietly Going Insane From PTSD (And No One Cares)
Unlike having a big green dong or being frozen in time-travel ice, Tony Stark’s burden is that he’s a rich maniac suffering PTSD from almost dying in space (at the end of The Avengers). At least that was the case in Iron Man 3, the only film that’s substantially addressed the problem by showing Stark’s multiple panic attacks and obsessive robot hoarding.
Donald Trump’s late-life crisis could be going way worse, is what we’re saying.
The film eventually ends with Tony blowing up his collection as an act of recovery, only to freak out again and accidentally build a killbot in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. That’s because Tony’s PTSD isn’t something he can cure by exploding a therapeutic hobby, even though everyone around him acts like that’s the case. In fact — Stark’s friends not only give less than a jet-powered fuck about his condition, they actually seem angry at him for suffering from it.
“Come on, man, contemplating the endless death-void of space isn’t a good look …”
James “War Machine” Rhodes, a military man who must know the dangers of PTSD, hand-waves Tony’s panic attack like it’s an embarrassing mishap. Later, when it’s revealed that Tony’s been pathologically “tinkering” with countless Iron Man suits, Pepper treats it like an annoying hobby … even when the annoying hobby accosts her during the night.
“Whoops, that was meant for me. Masturbot, stand down!”
Despite Tony having a nightmare so severe it wakes up his remote-controlled death armor, Pepper angrily tells Tony to “tinker” with her sleeping on the couch like he just dealt a Dutch oven. At no point does she seem concerned that the man sleeping next to her has access to devastating technology and is gradually slipping into Sheen-level madness.
Then this happens:
Tony’s house isn’t by the sea; the missiles hit his liquor cabinet.
If there were a cure for space-related PTSD, I’m guessing it wouldn’t be the crushing weight of your home as you plunge into the bottom of the sea. In fact, between the darkness and lack of oxygen, this seems like a pretty close re-creation of the horrible asphyxiation threat haunting Tony’s mind. And yet, instead of featuring a solid hour of him catatonically screaming into his own brain, the film carries on like its hero didn’t just get bushwhacked by crippling fear. There’s even a fun post-credits scene where it’s revealed that Stark’s been venting his story to Bruce Banner …
… who’s been sleeping the whole time. Jesus, guys. Does literally no one in The Avengers care that one of their teammates is slowly coming apart? No wonder Tony’s so angry in Civil War.
Then again, (almost) everyone has a right to be angry, considering that …
#4. Thor Is Going To Outlive All His Friends By Eons
Here’s a thought: According to the Marvel timeline, Thor has been alive roughly since the year 965, making him around 1,035 years old. Up to Civil War, the timeline to The Avengers has lasted about five years — meaning that this world-changing event has taken up approximately 1/200th of his current lifetime, which for a human living to be 80 is the equivalent of five months. So, going by that obvious math, the 60 years that Thor is going to be potentially boning Jane Foster is his equivalent of five years, or less than the entire Brennifer saga. Only, I’m guessing they won’t be boning for the last decade or two, considering that Jane will be half-dust while Thor is exactly the same.
“Welp, I should probably, uh … get going …”
Assuming Thor lives as long as his father (around 5,000 years), the undying love between him and Jane would fill the span of your first year in elementary school. Saving the fucking planet would be as consequential as a rope swing exercise at summer camp. I mean … have you even seen him take any kind of serious damage while fighting alongside his buddies? What could turn Hawkeye into a red mist is like getting hit by a Frisbee at recess for Thor.
But, yeah, just go right ahead and stand behind the frail meatsacks, Goldilocks.
Seriously, is Thor even in any danger during these films? Had Ultron successfully rock-punched the planet into oblivion, the post-credits scene would have been Thor bifrosting back to his realm at the last second, giving a Larry David shrug, and grabbing some Asgardian shawarma.
Thousands of years is a long-ass time, but at least it won’t be boring. Thor’s practical immortality also means he’ll have a privileged view when human society crumbles faster than your last Civilization III game. Why? Well, for one thing …
#3. There’s No Way The Tech World Isn’t In A Financial Spiral
Back before the world became completely fucking insane, there’s a scene in Iron Man where Tony is watching Mad Money declare Stark Industries a lost cause.
“I haven’t seen a Stark empire go down this fast since the Red Wedding.”
It’s a fun little cameo to explain how screwed his company is for not manufacturing weapons — and accidentally a harbinger for terrible implications within the entire fictional world. Because along with the Hugh Hefner “cameo,” the first Iron Man establishes that the Marvel Universe is actually an alternative offshoot of our own with the same stock market and financial burdens. So imagine the Mad Money episode after this:
What kind of financial quake happens when the CEO of a weapons company has a robot grudge match with his second in command? Seriously. I’m honestly wondering what it could be — because it basically happens two more fucking times in the Iron Man universe.
The market was already reeling from Guy Pearce buying AOL Instant Messenger
and taking it in a weird fucking direction.
In Iron Man 2, Hammer Industries ends up harboring a terrorist and accidentally blowing up the Stark Expo with an army of terror drones. It somehow gets worse, because Advance Idea Mechanics goes on to break new ground in the “trying to kill the president” industry while secretly puppeteering the Marvel equivalent of Osama bin Laden. Can you imagine trying to make a living in the tech industry when your boss could turn out to be a wasp-man who gets the office imploded by his sworn rival?
“And remember: You have to come to work on Christmas, since we found out a few years back religion is a lie.”
With every innovative company being ticking evil-bombs, there’s no way that doesn’t ripple out into the entire economy — which is especially troubling since there’s a good chance the entire United States government is crumbling to its knees …
#2. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Collapse Would Result In American Nuremberg Trials (And Suicides!)
Fun fact: During the 1945 Nuremberg trials, Germany was hit with mass suicides by people either fearing prosecution or feeling guilt over the horrific events of World War II.
OK, maybe that wasn’t a “fun” fact, but rather the inevitable shockwave of shame that comes with being party to the most infamous crime against humankind. Contrarily, the common legal tactic was that the officers were merely “following orders” from the higher-ups — though in the case of concentration camps, it would be damn hard to argue that you were punk’d into slaughtering innocent people. It would be way easier if you were … say … ordered to bomb the shit out of a bunker that you didn’t know had Captain Goddamn America inside …
“What?! N-No! I thought it was Hawkeye!”
This would entail lengthy and expensive trials, guilt/suicide damage control, and worldwide manhunts as the guilty parties scattered into hiding. All of which, mind you, concerns a crime that is punishable by death, carried out by a government in such shambles that its own vice president is already awaiting execution for the same atrocity.
“I’m still preferable to Sarah Palin.”
Yeah. Did you think they were just gonna give him a slap on the wrist for conspiring to kill the president in Iron Man 3? We’re straight up in post-war Germany by the time these films are settled. And while we’re awkwardly talking about 1945 Germany …
#1. Someone Had To Tell Captain America About The Holocaust And Hiroshima
Right? Like, at some point after being frozen in ice since 1943, Captain America was bound to inquire how World War II ended. It was probably the first thing he asked once they rounded him back into his vintage bedroom at the end of The First Avenger.
“I just wanted to know how the Brooklyn Dodgers were doing.”